Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter...and other important facts!

Driving on our way to Lake Mead with my family last year, Kenzi started texting ChaCha for Chuck Norris jokes.  I had no idea there were so many...so during my late night baby feeding sessions, I started texting ChaCha for entertainment, and then began compiling a list of my favorites for Chaz.  Well...it got a bit out of hand...but I thought I'd share some of my Chuck facts with you.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants
  
• If Chuck Norris is late, time slows down
  
• Someone once challenged Chuck Norris to a duel.  That person in now known as Captain Hook
  
• The grass is greener on the other side.  But if Chuck Norris has been there the grass is soaked in blood and tears
  
• There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on
  
• Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter
  
• There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer.  Chuck Norris is always in control
  
•  If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars...Chuck Norris has more money than you.
  
• Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
  
• Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
  
• Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter
  
• Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip
  
• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open
  
• Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
  
• Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer.  Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried
  
• Chuck Norris once wore glasses.  The result was him seeing around the world and looking at the back of his own head
  
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live
  
• A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris.  Touching him cured the blindness, but he didn’t see the roundhouse coming
  
• Chuck Norris invented the beard
  
• Chuck Norris writes these jokes, he likes his fans to be informed
  
• Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting, because he’s not acting
  
• Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card
  
• Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer
  
• Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands
  
• The bible used to be called Chuck Norris and friends
  
• There is no such thing as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks
  
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there
  
• Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father
  
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one
  
• There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who never met Chuck Norris
  
• Not common knowledge: there are actually 3 sides to the Force.  The light side, the dark side, and the Chuck side
  
• God said “Let there be light” and Chuck Norris said “Say please”.
  
• Chuck Norris does not use a spell checker.  If he misspells a word, Oxford changes the approved spelling
  
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is
  
• Aliens do exist.  They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack
  
• When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors
  
• Chuck Norris destroys whole continents.  Ever heard of Atlantis? ‘nuff said.
  
• Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song
  
• AIDS was specifically designed to kill Chuck Norris.  It failed miserably
  
• When Chuck Norris does push ups he doesn’t push himself up he pushes the world down